Guy: I think we should have it be a play
Harriet: What do you mean?
Guy: I think we should have a wedding that is also a play.
Guy: It would make it so much better! I can cast some of the kids I teach at the college.
Harriet: I thought we were going to keep it medium sized. You me, the priest, a witness and the cat.
Guy: I can’t cast a cat, Harriet. Can you take this wedding play seriously for a second?
Harriet: So here is where I’m thinking.
Guy: But this is just your bedroom. Isn’t it a little weird to get married in your bedroom?
Harriet: No, it’s not weird. I mean, yeah I wouldn’t want other people in here who aren’t me. Or you, I guess. I guess I have to get used to you. But I was thinking the cat could get certified online or something. Like, instead of the priest.
Guy (looking around): But where will the audience go?
Harriet: Okay, so here it is.
Guy: Much Better.
(They walk to the altar.)
Harriet: It’s crazy to think in just a few months we’ll be up here exchanging vows.
Guy (pointing to the back of the chapel): Yeah, or back there or whatever.
Guy: Well we’ll need this front part for the play.
Harriet: I’m thinking for the menu, maybe you and I just order in, sit back on the couch, put on NPR, and let the others figure it out.
Guy: I don’t know. I mean we should at least have popcorn and soda.
Harriet: That’s movies, not plays, Guy.
Guy: Are you sure? Are you sure it isn’t both?
Harriet: Well it’s definitely not weddings.
Guy: I think maybe someone else should play you.
Guy: In the play.
Guy: I’m just really beginning to believe you don’t support me and I feel like this play is getting in the way of our relationship. So I think you should bow out.
Guy: Look, I’m not asking for much here.
Guy: So Melinda’s going to play you.
Harriet: The student who wrote you all those love letters?
Guy: Oh, I wouldn’t call them love letters.
Harriet: And sent me death threats?
Guy: Well, she did do that.
Harriet (reading manuscript): So wait. So which part is the play and which part is the wedding.
Guy: The what-ing?
Harriet: The part where you and I get married.
Guy: Oh don’t even worry about that, I know you don’t like people so you can just stay in the audience and let us take care of it. We have someone to play you, remember?
Harriet: So what you’re saying is, you’re going to marry Melinda.
Guy: No no no no no. You don’t understand how acting works.
Guy: The invites came!
Invite: COME ONE, COME ALL TO GUY’S THEATRICAL WEDDING DEBUT
Harriet: My name isn’t anywhere on this.
Guy: Oh sorry! Damn it, I knew I forgot something. You always forget something, you know? By the way, I changed the venue to the Roxy.
(Guy is at Harriet’s door.)
Harriet: Listen, you do the whole wedding/play thing and I’ll stick around here.
Guy: I really think you should come to watch your own wedding Harriet. I feel like you’re not being supportive of me again.
Harriet: Well I made plans with Brian already and you know how he gets about plans.
Guy: Who’s Brian?
Harriet: Oh it doesn’t matter, he’s just a friend.
Guy: I didn’t know you had a friend. I thought all you had were my friends.
Harriet: Well you’ve been busy with all this wedding planning: the casting, the rehearsals, the costumes, deciding how much popcorn and soda.
Guy: While you’ve been doing what exactly with Brian?
Harriet: Oh, you know, we hang out in my room with my cat not talking to other people. Sometimes we do jigsaw puzzles in silence or read across the room turned away from each other.
Guy: I could do those things. I could do those things with you, the not talking.
Harriet: No, no. Go do the play. Get in touch when it’s done so I know we’re married.